When God has other plans

Jimmy and I always wanted more than one child. When we adopted AG, we decided we would wait around a year and a half and start the paperwork. We knew it would take a while. After it took almost 11 months to get our home study done and another 22 months on the wait list we decided that it was best to get on the list as soon as possible. That way by the time a placement occurred, AG would be a little older and hopefully potty trained, but we didn't want a huge age gap either. 

Well sometimes God's plans are different than ours. The end of July I was working at school getting my room ready when I got a text from my brother in laws girl friend that said call me. I kinda panicked as she never asked me to call her. When she answered one of her first comments was "So do you and Jimmy want another baby". Yeah at some point. "I know someone. Here are the details. Are you interested?"  We took a few days to discuss it and were extremely skeptical because we had several calls like this when we were waiting the first time. Ultimately, like most of our decisions, we decided to pursue and see what happened, knowing God would either open or shut the door. We sent our profile book from AG so they could decide for sure and waited. August 3., we received a phone call that said if you are interested get your lawyer. So we started calling around and checking into lawyers and seeing if the guy who did AG's finalization would do a private adoption. We started updating our home study and I started prepping for a sub. We had time to plan though. The sweet little boy wasn't due until October 30. 

This was so different than AG. We had to wait three months. We got updates on how the baby was and even a sonogram picture. It was completely different and in ways scarier than the first time, not having the middle person there to protect us. Waiting on calls to find out if everything was still going, it was definitely difficult. 

Well fast forward to September 14. I had been waiting two weeks for an update and was getting antsy. (Once again we had never had a situation like this proceed this far.) I finally gave in and called and found out she's gone to the dr that day and everything still looked like an October 30 due date. I decided to make a blanket since I had time so on the 18th on the way home, I stopped by Michaels to get yarn. And once again, God had different plans. As I was loading AG in the car Jimmy called and said Amy called she wants to know if we want the due date to be Sept 18. What? "Ashley the baby is here. Emergency C section" 

Well not wanting to delve into their personal business lets suffice it to say there was a medical emergency that made a c-section necessary. It was a scary night for everyone. I rushed home, we threw stuff together for AG together and flew to the hospital. She went to stay with Jimmy's brother and his girlfriend for the night while we started figuring out what was next. And we started making phone calls. Because of the long wait we had not told a lot of people. Suffice it to say I shocked the heck out of some family that day. They didn't know I could keep secrets like that!

Finally we got to go to NICU to meet our sweet Ethan James. He was six weeks early and only weighed 4.5 lbs and was 18 inches. He was on a ventilator but stable. We were told to prepare for a possible six week stay. We made a late night preemie run at Walmart and tried to absorb the day. The next morning we went back to NICU to find out they had removed the intubation tube at 11. He was progressing well. It was a long day of sitting and waiting. We talked to doctors about his prognosis, waited for news on his Birthmother, and talked to the hospital social worker. It was basically a sit and wait until Monday when notaries would be in and we could get consents for us to go to NICU signed and inform our lawyer he was here and get a rush on that paperwork!

At some point, I'll probably blog the NICU stay. We were there for a week and 4 day but considering they thought we'd have been there a minimum of 2 weeks leaving on Tuesday just a mere 10 days or so later wasn't bad. I will say NICU nurses are awesome. 

Jimmy and I picked his name before AG came. It was our boy pick. James is not only Jimmy's legal name but also the name of my beloved grandfather. Jimmy is named after a uncle and I have a great uncle named James. So though I'm not a big family name person this one I had to stick with. Also, if you take our initials and mix them together to make a name you get James. So that's extra cool. Ethan just happened to be a name we liked paired with James that we could agree on. As we sat in NICU talking to one of the nurses that week discussing how he was fighting and progressing well and faster than expected they asked his name and as we discussed it, it hit me his name means strong, solid, enduring. And I've seen it as fighter. I looked it up to check my memory and was just amazed. Without thinking of the meaning, just remembering that we liked it, we named our son with a name that means strong and here he was fighting and improving. It was a God moment. 

We got to finally touch him and start caring for him the following Monday when consents were signed for us to be in NICU, then on Wednesday I finally got to hold him. We had been told not until the line was out but they let me do it early. I'm forever grateful. Jimmy and I were splitting NICU time and being with AG so unfortunately we weren't together. 

We are home we are happy and we are in love. AG has adjusted well and loves to hug, kiss, and love on her baby brother. She is such a big helper. Ethan is growing like a weed and is progressing well. Here are a few pics that we can finally share. 

This was day 2 of NICU. Much improvement. 

Daddy's first time to get to take care of him. 

Mommy's first time to hold him!

First time daddy got to hold him. 

Yay! Finally on an open air crib!

First day to wear clothes mommy and daddy bought. 

P

Finally going home!

Meeting AG the first time!

Oh sweet love!

My two loves!

One year later... The phone call!

Some days you wake up to an ordinary day not knowing that one simple phone call will change your life. Sometimes that call is good and sometimes it is not. March 31,2014 was like that for us. Today is my special day. 

It was just an ordinary day. I don't have many specific memories on the day itself. It was my short day at school. Basically last year we had an 8 day rotation and one day of each rotation I didn't have a last class. It just so happened this was my short day. I was washing my hands fixing to try to get my work caught up. The phone rang and as I glanced at the number of just said Jackson, and I remember thinking I may need to get that, that it might be the agency. If you know anything about our wait they never called and we never heard from them without us calling first, so that thought was out of left field. Anyway when I answered the phone it was our adoption specialist. She told me that there was a birth mom who had chosen us for a baby born the day before and wanted to meet us the next day. It took a minute to gather myself and be able to think. You come to this point of thinking it's never gonna happen for you, and then out of the blue you get this phone call telling you it's finally your turn. She told me placement could be as early as Thursday and when I had time to gather my thoughts to call her back. I went for my room bawling my eyes out. My friend Emily who was an assistant in a nearby room was at her door and I was bursting so I told her. She was like don't tell your husband you told me first. I went and called Jimmy just praying he would answer. Between tears I told him we had a sweet little girl. He didn't believe me. Not at all. All he could say was "is she serious Ashley? Is she serious?" (She later told him she would never be that cruel). Then I called my dad, who told my mom later that I scared the day lights out of him.  I called him at work, from work, bawling my eyes out barely able to talk. Yeah I scared him. So I had to notify my principal that I was fixing to take maternity leave with very little notice, but there were a few friends I wanted to be sure heard from me first. I went to my friend Robin's room who I carpooled with and half beat her door down. Literally.  I was pounding on it. Remember we had had family medical emergencies that week so she thought someone was dead. She finally realized which call I meant I got and started crying. Scared a

few more friends and finally got my principal. I know it was dangerous to say anything since anything could happen. But I couldn't help it. So anyway word spreads quickly at work and people were hug fun and congratulating and asking questions. Questions I couldn't answer  because I literally couldn't think straight. 

I couldn't even remember the names we talked about. I think my most favorite memory of someone hearing was I was talking to our music teacher and one of our PE coaches walked down the hall and said what's going on but before I could answer she heard me say "yeah she was born yesterday" and started jumping up and down going "yay you have a baby!" And started planning and listing everything I needed and what she had for me. My mom screamed and told the rest of the family. 

So anyway he last hour passes and we headed home. Thank God it wasn't my day to drive. I literally couldn't think straight and was on the phone the whole way. Called our specialist back and got some details including the name they were asking us to keep. The only name I could remember was Abigail. I couldn't figure out how to mesh Abigail with Alicia when my mom said "what about Alicia Grace Ashley? This is a grace filled moment." That's when I remembered our other name choice was Allie Grace and I was like that works we can call her Ali Grace if we want. We finally get home and Jimmy and I talk it out and I tell him what I know. Nerves abound. My favorite phone call of the day was our pastor and his wife. I called her and told her we needed to talk to them together and away from their kids. They had been outside working in the yard. So she got them inside and went in a separate room and put us on speaker. When we told them she said "I'm doing jumping jacks for joy". It was a lot of tears, a lot of phone calls, and a lot of uncertainty. Some of the other details are kinda blurry or redundant but we were so excited and just in unbelief. 

This is the day my life changed. There would be a bevy of emotions later when the reality of my excitement was someone else's pain. But for this day my heart soared. On this day in my heart I became a mom. I loved a little girl I had yet to meet. 

I'm not sure how we slept. Between the excitement and being so nervous about meeting her birth mother the next day, I'm not sure how we slept at all. But we did. This will be one of the best days of my life. To think that just a few weeks before we thought we would not be placing with a baby but moving to fostering and not adopting. We had given up hope and thought that we may not ever be parents. And just when we gave that up, just when we chose to move on, we were blessed with our sweet girl. 

Like momma always told me... "Hope springs eternal". 

Happy Birthday Alicia Grace!

A year ago today my life changed for the better, but I wouldn't know it for another 29 1/2 hours. 

     

      Most parents have special memories of birthdays and of going to the hospital and waiting for their precious baby. Of those first moments as a family. A year ago today was a normal day for me. Well, almost normal anyway. My sweet girl came into this world at 9:00 a.m. I was getting ready for church. I remember the day vividly because Matthew West was having a concert and I was so excited. We even got there early because I was bound and determined to have an awesome seat. Will Graham preached on Hannah and her faith through trials and Jimmy and I just stared at each other. Afterwards I got to meet Matthe West and briefly discuss his adoption song. We went to dinner making plans for our trip to St Louis for an adoption/Foster care conference and hadn't yet reserved a hotel room. We were planning for a normal week and went home with palms for the week. We were renewed and refreshed.  We were excited. But we had no clue that you were in a hospital room just a half hour away from us that day. That our world was fixing to change. We were excited about what was coming next in our lives but we didn't know yet that you were here. 

Happy birthday sweet girl. We love being your mommy and daddy. Every smile, giggle, and new milestone fill our hearts with love. I have loved every minute of the past year and cannot wait to watch you grow into a beautiful young lady. You bring us so much joy. We love you so much. 

Pray today for her sweet birth mother as today will probably be a hard day for her. 

I cannot even imagine. Birthdays can be really hard so pray for peace and comfort. 

A year ago (and a few days...) giving things away

A year ago (plus a day or two) we got a phone call from a friend who had an emergency placement and didn't know where all of her baby stuff was. They were not looking for this to happen and were not in process and though I remember being happy I also remember being very sad. Sad because it seemed for us it was never coming and we were preparing to move on anyway. So I pulled out all of our baby stuff and sent everything I could to them. I was excited for her and the new path we felt called to but at the same time giving away our stuff made it a reality and was hard. As I dug through boxes of stuff we were given and found things I had bought I couldn't help but cry. 

The rest of the weekend was quite eventful with medical emergencies in the family and a three day weekend celebration planned at MC with concerts I wanted to go to. Thus there was no time to dwell on any decisions that were coming. At this point I had no idea life as I knew it was on the brink of changing. 

I also had no clue that another woman somewhere else was making the hardest decision of her life and walking through that. It's amazing how me focused your world can be until something happens that makes you consider others and makes you see in hind sight the bigger picture. 

Today is my last day as mother of an infant and this has weighed heavily on me. For every first I've enjoyed and new thing we experienced, giggle I've heard has come at someone else's loss. That's the hard part of adoption. On one hand it's amazing to have this sweet child of mine. And then on the other hand you realize the huge loss someone else had to experience for you to raise this sweet child. It causes an amazing conflict of feelings and it's hard to explain. I am so thankful for my sweet girl and yet my heart breaks that she can't be with her first family. 

So today I am grateful. Not only for this sweet precious girl of mine but her brave first mommy who chose us to be her parents. 

One year ago... Spring break.

One year ago, I was getting back in the grind from spring break. It was a semi-typical spring break for us. Jimmy took most of the week off so we could spend it together. We took a day trip to Monroe, LA, and we went to Buck Commander/Duck Commander, a zoo, and just drove around some. I remember being sad some. I talked to a friend most of the way through the zoo, processing and discussing our decision to walk away from domestic infant adoption (DIA) and Foster teens. We had been discussing since November that maybe we had misread what God wanted for us. Maybe it wasn't DIA maybe it was to Foster. We knew there was a big need for families willing to take older children and maybe that was His calling. Well actually up until spring break we were planning a straight adoption of a child legally free for adoption from Foster Care (FC). However during our discussions with friends and agencies during spring break we decided on a change to pure FC (meaning children that might not be legally free for adoption). It was this week though one year ago that we were discussing when to close our file with the DIA agency and couldn't get peace. I was excited and nervous but sad because it's hard to let go of a dream. I was reconciling with myself the change of pace we were making. I was the one who started these conversations but I was the first to want to question them. (Jimmy however takes longer to come to the decision but remains incredibly steadfast once he gets there).

I remember us discussing how we couldn't get peace to close all of a sudden even though we were confident in our decisions. We never thought we would get the call but we were just riding the home study out. It was this time one year ago that those simple decisions would change our life. We just had no clue. 

A year ago.

It's hard to believe that this time a year ago we had no idea of the changes that were merely two weeks away. Instead we were planning changes of our own. I guess there is truth to the statement "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans". 

It was at this point a year ago that we had planned to stop our process with Bethany and go to Foster care. In fact it was during spring break that the we decided not to go with Southern Christian Services due to some concerns we had and had decided to go with Methodist Children's Home instead. And with this decision came the decision that we probably would just be Foster parents unless a child within our home became available for adoption. It was a big change and while we were confident in our decision it was still an adjustment. It was also a year ago that we said "Hey we won't get approved before June and they aren't asking for a letter closing us our so let's just ride this out. I literally just wanted to see how long it took them to contact us. I guess God can use my hard headedness for my own good. Little did we know the changes that would come with surrender, with finally saying not my will but Thine. 

I want to do some blogs in review. Looking back at some important days from a year ago. Getting some memories down that I didn't have a chance to do then. It will be difficult in ways as there are things I don't have the freedom to share, but I can give some of my perspective and how that has changed. And it'll help me process these changes. 

Our sweet little peanut had changed so much in a year. She's around 18 pounds and 28 inches. I'll know for sure on the 1st. She's wearing some six month clothes but they are getting short. Mostly she's on nine month. She has learned to clap which is funny. This week has been a big week of firsts. First 2 teeth, first trip to the zoo, museum of Natural Science, and library. She loves to read and swing and has finally started to really eat. 

I'll definitely be posting more soon but for now some pictures of spring break. Oh how my heart will break at daycare tomorrow.