Christmas time

I'm way behind on blogging and updates. I've been lacking lately. Our sweet AG is now 8.5 months 16.1 lbs and 25 inches. She is scooting and pulling up and starting to move and turn when standing at the couch. She is leaning a bit when standing but it won't be long until she does it by herself completely. She is saying hey and da da and even stop. She's getting to be such a sassy little thing. Yet she's quite the cuddle bug. She loves to snuggle. 

We finalized our adoption on Nov 20th. We were beginning to wonder if it would happen before the end of the year and were pretty sure it wouldn't happen before Christmas much less Thanksgiving but our lawyer was super awesome and had us in court in under a week. It took all of 15 minutes and it was official and we even finalized with friends so that was nice. 

As I'm wrapping presents, I'm so overwhelmed. The past two years I begged my husband for a baby for Christmas and Christmas came early this year. We have been on train rides and to Canton Lights Festival. We are making traditions and soaking up every moment. My heart is so overwhelmed. I have waited 5 1/2 years for this moment. For her first Christmas. And it has just really made Mary stick out even more for me. What must it have been like to birth the Savior of the World. Did she really understand all that He would go through and how He would change the world? 

I'm not holding the Savior of the World but just the same this year Christmas has definitely been changed by a little baby. 

Beautiful Things

Today marks 5 months since we brought our precious girl home! This sums up my feelings and has been running through my head all day. Beautiful Things Gungor "Beautiful Things" All this pain I wonder if I’ll ever find my way I wonder if my life could really change at all All this earth Could all that is lost ever be found Could a garden come up from this ground at all You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us All around Hope is springing up from this old ground Out of chaos life is being found in You You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us You make me new, You are making me new You make me new, You are making me new You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us I remember listening to this song sometimes over and over while we were waiting, praying and praying that the day would come when our chaos and brokenness was healed. I am so overwhelmed that it has been 5 months. In the words of my sister-in-law "It feels like the hole she filled has been healed so much longer than 5 months". I can not express how much we love being her parents and how much every little thing thrills my heart. A few days ago, she stood on my leg as she kept giving me "kisses" and every time it dawns on me that we get to experience our first Christmas my heart jumps and I just about can't stand it. I'm so thankful that our "dust" is now turned into a "beautiful thing".

Growing up

I am sad today. My little one is growing up too fast. After such a long wait it seems that time is going by too quickly and I just want it to slow down. We wanted this so bad and now she's just growing too fast. 

She turned four months just a week and a half ago. 12 lbs and 7 oz, 23 and 3/4 inches long, and took her shots like a champ. We spent our last days of summer with lots of cuddles and kisses. 

Right now we are adjusting to momma having to work and going to a babysitter. The first day she was asleep when I dropped her off and when I picked her up she started crying as soon as she heard her momma. She is a little clingy in the afternoon and doesn't want us to out her down but she is adjusting well and has adjusted to being with Ms Emily well and will go to her. 

We had all intention of waiting a few more weeks to starting foods and sippy cups but big girl has gotten where 5 oz of formula isn't always filling her up anymore and her grip has gotten better so we decided to try it. Sweet girl got upset when she saw us pouring her milk into the bowl. Hahaha. She knew something wasn't right. I got so sad buying the bowls, cereal, juice, and sippy cup. She's getting so big. 

We are so blessed with our little princess. I'm still overwhelmed at the gift of our sweet girl. It hits at the strangest moments. I realize at the strangest moments that we could've very easily not gotten our daughter had we notified the agency that we weren't renewing. We were in a place of praying about what God wanted for us and we were under the impression that although we knew we were to adopt we chose the wrong path. It wasn't until that surrender that we got our call. I need to type out our story in a more coherent way. I don't want to miss anything. We are so in love. 

Our new face. "The platypus"

Three months

Today is three months since we brought this sweet girl home. 

I cannot explain in words the joy she has brought to out lives. It is also the halfway point to finalization. We are halfway to being able to go to court. It seems like time has flown by. She is cooing more each day and began giggling yesterday. And I cried. Tears of joy for a momma who has waited to hear that giggle for so long. I've cried off and on all day. Tears of being overwhelmed that this little blessing is my daughter. 

My favorite thing about being a mom is walking up to her crib telling her good morning and seeing this face

I get that big toothless grin every morning and my day is made. 

We recently went to GA to meet my sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew. I loved getting to watch them meet and lie on my daughter. She adjusted rather well to being home again. I was a little worried after such spoiling. I was pretty much only there to change diapers for the most part. We also got to see my best friend. 

We enjoyed a morning at the river walk, got to cheer my niece on and even take a date. 

Tomorrow is post placement visit #2 with our adoption specialist. We have one more to go. I am so ready. 

So far she had rolled over once. Giggled. Coos. Grasps. Will push and bounce on your lap or in the jumper. And with each milestone they are so bittersweet. My sweet little peanut is growing so fast. She is approx 11 lbs 8 oz and around 25 inches. She still wears newborn or 0-3 clothes. Such a little bitty princess who is growing so fast. 

I will forever be grateful for God choosing us to be her parents and a birthmom willing to make such a hard sacrifice. 

What a difference a month makes

Today was the day. June 20th. The day our homestudy was set to expire. The day we had chosen to be our last day with our agency. It was the day that we decided that if a baby wasn't placed with us that we would be moving on from baby dreams. We were choosing to try a different path to a family and give up on baby dreams. Maybe the child that God had chosen for us wasn't a baby. I finally surrendered and decided to be ok with it. There were several reasons behind our decision but we had made it and we were happy. 

Oh what a difference a week makes. 

Or maybe a few months. But oh the changes that happen so fast. We had chosen a foster agency. We went from wanting to adopt from foster care to actually fostering teens. I was working on the application. We basically decided not to shut off with our agency yet because we still had a little ways to go. We weren't getting peace to close. I wanted to see how long it would take them to contact us and figuring a baby wasn't going to happen I didn't see the point of closing until the application was in and approved and the ball was rolling. 

And then within a week everything changed. It was a week from the decision not to close that the call that would change our lives came. Everything changed. 

We've now had our daughter in our home for 2 1/2 months. I couldn't be happier. It's hard sitting here now and imagining the fact that had that call not come we were closing with our agency.   

I am loving coos and smiles and squeals. I cannot imagine life without my sweet girl. I'm so glad that God chose her for our family and I have no doubt God chose her for us. 

It's amazing how full surrender happens and sometimes God chooses to give your desires then. I looked back at my blog posts and we brought our daughter home a month to the day of when we published that we were changing paths. Oh what a difference a month made. As a friend of mine reminded me this time last year we were facing a lot of disappointments and despair and now a year later despair turns to hope and weeping to rejoicing. 

What an awesome God we serve. 

And in case you are wondering yes we still plan on becoming foster parents in the future. 

Mother's Day!

For years now, I have dreaded Mother's Day. At first, I was ok and celebrates our moms, but slowly as the wait continued I began to dread the holiday more. It began with skipping the Mother's Day breakfast at church, but the last year, I completely refused to leave our house. I couldn't handle people telling me happy Mother's Day when my strongest desire was to be a mom. 

So imagine my complete joy when a mere six weeks ago, I realized that not only were we bringing our daughter home in less than a week, but finally I would be able to celebrate this long awaited day. My hopes and prayers had been answered. 

However, I didn't know how bittersweet I would feel today; that there would be a whole new dimension to my feelings. See my greatest joy is someone else's greatest loss. The child who is learning to call me mommy was born to another woman. My gain came through her pain. And before you tell me it was her choice (and please don't. It doesn't help. It only upsets me more because I know things you don't, I saw things you didn't) realize that not all choices are easy. Sometimes you choose what you think is best regardless of how easy or hard it is. It's part of being a grown up and a parent. 

I have no greater joy than being Alicia Grace's mommy. I have held, loved on, cuddled, and kissed my sweet angel today and relished in the fact that I finally get to celebrate today. 

And I have prayed for our dear D, who bravely, sacrificially, and selflessly  placed our daughter in our arms and gave us the reason to celebrate today. 

What a vision of Christ's amazingly sacrificial love. That He gave his only Son so that we could be adopted as His sons and daughters. 

So to all moms who give so much everyday Happy Mother's Day! To the women that are longing to become moms: you are not alone, I understand, and I am praying for you. To the moms who have babies in heaven or those who have moms in heaven: I can never imagine. You also have a special place in my prayers. And finally to the birthmoms/ first moms out there: there are no words for my gratitude and respect. Thank you. 

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Introducing.... Miss Alicia Grace

I know that you have been chomping at the bits for this. We weren't going to announce it until we could post pictures, but we knew it was spreading like wildfire and people were struggling with our secrets. However, at that time we weren't comfortable posting public pictures for legal reasons. For those who know what we were waiting for, I can now tell you we are in the clear and it has happened! We are officially in our six month wait that is required in the state of Ms. and we can now do what we have been waiting for..... Introducing Miss Alicia Grace!

Alicia Grace 5 lbs 3 oz 17 1\2 inches Brought Home 4/8/14 Here's the story you have been waiting for.... As many of you know, we had just announced that we felt led to close with Bethany and move to foster care, possibly a teenager. Well, that all changed in the matter of a few weeks. We were praying about our decision still and decided not to go through Southern Christian Services and had decided to go through Methodist Children's home. I was still struggling with the idea of not getting a baby, but we knew that there were children who needed homes, and felt the call to surrender our wishes to what we felt God laying on our hearts. However we never got the peace to close with Bethany and because we were up for renewal in June and hadn't finished our application which for some reason we went from gung ho to not finishing the application. We were waiting wondering a few things about Bethany and just decided to wait while we were working on paperwork. A few weeks went by and we planned to go to St. Louis to the Empowered to Connect conference on parenting children from hard places. We kept putting off getting our hotel. We bought a new bedroom suit planning on using some of the money we put back for the adoption since we were closing out, but when I went to pay the bill it had not posted to our account. These seem like little things, but the magnitude of them will be evident in a minute. The Will Graham Celebration was going on the end of March at MC and we went all weekend, even the nights that we could barely carry on from physical and mental exhaustion because we felt the need to worship. I remember really getting into The Afters as we sang "Broken Hallelujah", that's how I felt. Sunday Will Graham preached on Hannah and her circumstances and Jimmy and I just looked at each other. And then Matthew West performed. He has several songs that have gotten us through the hard times and a song on adoption that we would listen to when we needed encouragement. We even got to meet him and tell him that it was one of our favorites because we were adopting, and he told us it would change our lives. That night we got in late and I told Jimmy we had to book our hotel room for St. Louis the next day because we were leaving in 4 days and weren't going to have a place to stay. Well... little did we know our world was fixing to change. Monday March 31, was a normal work day. It was last period and my short day that I don't have a class then. The phone rang and I didn't recognize the number but answered it and for some reason I thought.... better get that it might be the agency. Well... it was. Our adoption specialist called to tell us that we had been matched with a birth mom for a little girl born on Sunday and she wanted to meet us the next day. I started crying and called Jimmy. He kept saying "For real? Is she serious Ashley? Is she serious?" I called my dad who said I scared the daylights out of him because I called him from work while he was at work crying so hard I could barely talk. Well, down the hall I go because I had to get a sub and get my FMLA in place. Plus there were some friends I wanted to hear it from me. To keep a super long story just a little shorter I spent the next 2 hours in a fog unable to think clearly and telling my close friends and family. We got a few minor details from our adoption worker and began preparing because we were being told she could come home on Thursday. We were told that the birthmom wanted us to keep the name Alicia and I told her we would discuss it. Well, because I couldn't think straight, the only name I could remember discussing was Abigail but wasn't sure how we would mesh that with Alicia. My mom said "What about Alicia Grace? This is a grace filled moment." That's when I realized our other name choice was Allie Grace. Hey that would work we could call her Ali if we wanted too. Jimmy agreed and the plan was made. I mean how much closer to our name could you get? That had to be a God thing. We could both be happy. Now before I continue, let me remind you... we had put off booking our hotel and paying off the bedroom suit... Needless to say we now weren't going to St. Louis and needed that money. The hand of God was evident to us. Tuesday I went to work for a while then we left to meet our Birthmom who we will just call D. We found out before we went that they weren't going to place her with us till the next week as we waited on some of the legalities. It put me a little more on edge for a bit, but we headed on to the meeting. It was much more emotional than I prepared for, but God was so evident. Due to wanting to protect our daughter's story and D, we don't want to give many details. However there are a few things I can tell you. One is that the love she had for Alicia was beyoned evident, but she felt that it was best. Also, she told us the story of Alicia's name. She is named after her birth aunt who died a few years ago. It was very important to her that we keep the name, but she knew we had the option to change it. I was so glad I didn't have to break her heart. When we told her we chose Alicia Grace she began crying. Grace was the name of her grandmother who died recently. What a God moment. It was really the confirmation that we needed that she was our daughter. And though sometimes I call her Ali Grace, but for now... she's Alicia Grace to me. It just seems to fit. After the meeting was over, she wanted to introduce us to our daughter before they discharged her to interim care. We were able to hold her for a few minutes and meet our daughter. What an amazing moment. She even let us take a few pictures.

Holding our daughter for the first time.

Gazing at our little "spud max" as we called her. Well Wed the mom signed her papers but we were told we would get a placement date on Monday for the first of the week. We were ok with that. It gave us time to get ready to be off work and to get the house ready. Well, Monday comes and we were told it would be Thursday. We had been waiting all weekend thinking we would be getting her on Tuesday or Wednesday. Well, I was all... "Someone else is bonding with my daughter. I need her!" A few hours later when I had the chance to call back... after 2 breakdowns in the hallway. We were told if we wanted to take the risk as we waited for the legalities we could take her home the next day. Well, the two days wasn't eliminating that risk at the point so we chose to bring her home. Now, we've been home for 8 days and all risks have been resolved. We could not be happier or more blessed. My parents were able to go to the agency with us to get her and to take Jimmy so we didn't have two vehicles cause yes we worked that day. We went through paper work and finally her foster parents came and handed her to us. We got a few minutes alone with her and unfortunately don't have pictures of those moments, but they are precious memories of finally getting to kiss and love on our daughter. We had a nice little ceremony and finally got to bring her home! The last week has been amazing. Jimmy and I are both convinced that we had to come to a point of surrendering what we wanted and thought that we had to have to God and being willing to do what He called us to. It wasn't about giving up. It was about being willing to do what God called us to, even if it was something different. We do not regret that decision. In fact, we cherish it because we believe it's why God finally blessed us with our daughter. It was never about giving up, it was always about opening up to what God wanted of us. 4 years, 10 months, 19 days. The wait was long and hard. There were moments where we wanted to stop completely. Having to wait like that for something that is generally a right to most is hard. Not being able to have children, not being able to control when we would get one, having to deal with sometimes insensitive comments was hard. Was it worth the wait, totally because at any other time it wouldn't be Alicia, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Almost three years of trying to adopt, 21 months of being officially a waiting family. That is a very hard when you want something hard. Yes, in hindsight, we see God's timing and nothing is better than that. But that didn't change how hard it was during the time we were waiting. But one thing said at an adoption meeting that sticks out.... "If you are still waiting it means your child has not been born yet". And though there are a lot of details I can't share.... what I can share is we have recieved confirmation after confirmation and she is our daughter. That we are certain. We could not be more in love. More pics to come soon.

Holding Mommy's finger

A different path

It's more like coming full circle. Let me backtrack and explain. When we first began looking at adoption as a path to parenthood, we looked at adopting a toddler through foster care. I wasn't sure if we could afford the major expense of a domestic agency. We didn't want to go the foster to adopt route because I knew that if reconciliation happened and a child was taken out of our home it would be devastating and probably detrimental to us. However, there were not a lot of healthy kids in our age range. Many were so medically fragile that it was suggested that they were only children and one parent a stay sat home parent. Neither of these were good options for us. We did find a sibling group of three but they were adopted before we could really take action. We were OK with this because we knew this was a possibility and ultimately meant they weren't our kids. So as we talked and prayed Jimmy said that he really wanted a baby and wanted to see if we could afford it. We checked into some grants, researched agencies, talked to friends, and ended up choosing Bethany. We hit some walls and had to wait on some classes and meetings and it took about 11 months to get approved, instead of the average 6 months. We loved our adoption specialist though and were super excited. We were anticipating a 6-12 month wait. Well the next month our adoption specialist retired and we were super sad. In September we were finally reassigned when they hired a new A.S.. We were apprehensive but thought we'd be super happy. Well it didn't take but a few months to realize we weren't and we were not getting updates at all. Our frustration built over time, but we would catch these glimpses of hope and chose to re-sign another year. Well, this past summer was extremely hard on us. We got a call in May about a possibility of a baby in Christmas but it would be a long wait and you never know what will happen. Then we got another call Father's Day weekend. This time it was a six week old baby and they were fairly sure we would have a baby in a week or two. Jimmy called the lawyer on Monday and got the information and I called a friend and got a car seat before she went on vacation just in case. We called again a week later and then never heard anything. Then August came and the weekend before school started we got yet another call. This time the mom was choosing adoption but had not told anyone and called DHS. We were called, gave the go ahead, and our contact told her about us. The problem was she wanted a closed adoption, and DHS had been called. This complicated everything. We did what we could, were ready to fly in a moment, and said lots of prayers. Suffice it to say that balls were dropped by our agency and the caseworker at the hospital and by the time we were able to get into contact with DHS they had placed the baby. I have never hurt so badly in my life and this almost did us in. However we decided to hang in there for a while. Fast forward a few months. God began really getting a hold of my heart and some chips on my shoulder. I began seeing selfishness and feeling the need to do more for the children already here and waiting. This led to an email to my friend from college Kate to find out if there was a way we could help kids at her new job at a children's home. When she emailed back, she said she hasn't started and wasn't really sure and would get back to me, but had we considered fostering. I responded that we had but with me working and the fact that we were not sure if we could handle a child being removed from our home. Not to mention that we were not sure if there was enough of an age gap for us to parent a teenager. Anyway, the talking about this and the thinking of foster care led me to the Heart Galleries. I searched through and wound up looking at Project Zero the Arkansas Heart Gallery. And as friends say, "we know what happens when you look at Arkansas" (this was where we found the three kids the first time we looked in foster care. For whatever reason it seems every time I look at Arkansas my heart gets attached). We ended up finding a child through the state of Georgia, but we were never contacted back and found out about some medical concerns we were originally not aware of. But during this time, we began searching heart galleries and I found Project Zero's Facebook page. I read posts and saw facts and watched links for their version of Wednesday's Child and my heart began really being pulled. I mean I always felt my heart strings tug for older children especially those who are getting close to aging out of the system, but like most people we heard the stories and were scared. Well, PZ posted a video of a 16 year old named David. As we watched this video, heard David's story, saw how much he hoped for a family while not thinking there was a chance, then saw the miraculous story of him being adopted we began to realize that it didn't matter. Age doesn't matter, it's not about having a baby to raise to be like us. It's about a child who needs a home when we have love to give. Maybe, just maybe, all those roadblocks we have hit were signs. Signs that maybe we chose the wrong path. Signs that maybe we weren't getting a baby because our child was already out there. Signs that maybe we are called to love a child that is harder to place for reasons beyond their control. So after lots of prayer and research we have made the decision to close out with Bethany and switch over to Southern Christian Services and adopt from Foster care. We have a really large age range of 0-15, and before you say it we have thought it out. I know it is a huge jump, but these kids need homes and love too. Their circumstances are not of their choosing and not deserved. I'd have trust issues if the people who are supposed to love and care for me didn't do so in appropriate ways. We can't ignore the facts, we can't ignore the calling. There are kids who need a home. We desperately want children and maybe it's a completely different way than we have ever expected but we are excited beyond belief. We are aiming more for 6-15 as younger children have not had Termination of Parental Rights yet and are as such a legal risk. That and as we have prayed we feel called to those children who are older and therefore generally termed harder to place because people want toddlers and babies. We want to give a home to those desperately hope for one, but yet feel that it is out of reach. Where does that leave us now? We have the paperwork and plan on filling it out over spring break. We will also be closing out with Bethany this week as well, because the new agency won't touch our paperwork until we have a letter stating we no longer have an open case. This is difficult even though we feel it is where God wants us. 4 years of hoping, praying, and longing for an infant and making a change as broad as this one is difficult. Though we have all intentions of going back to domestic adoption at a later time, it is hard not to feel some pulling at our hearts after this long of a time frame. Change is not always easy even when you know it's right. Add to that, we have to start from scratch. We have to redo all the paperwork and all the homestudy requirements. We will no longer be approved. We start everything over and there is no real telling how much time this will add to our wait as we get reapproved. There has been some dragging of feet because of this, but sometimes you have to follow God's call even when it's scary, seems a bit crazy, and has you overwhelmed beyond belief as it carries you out of your comfort zone. But sometimes, it's when you crawl out of that comfort zone and rely on Him that you realize your true calling and are blessed beyond belief. Please pray as this is not easy for us, but we know it is the right thing to do.