A different path

It's more like coming full circle. Let me backtrack and explain. When we first began looking at adoption as a path to parenthood, we looked at adopting a toddler through foster care. I wasn't sure if we could afford the major expense of a domestic agency. We didn't want to go the foster to adopt route because I knew that if reconciliation happened and a child was taken out of our home it would be devastating and probably detrimental to us. However, there were not a lot of healthy kids in our age range. Many were so medically fragile that it was suggested that they were only children and one parent a stay sat home parent. Neither of these were good options for us. We did find a sibling group of three but they were adopted before we could really take action. We were OK with this because we knew this was a possibility and ultimately meant they weren't our kids. So as we talked and prayed Jimmy said that he really wanted a baby and wanted to see if we could afford it. We checked into some grants, researched agencies, talked to friends, and ended up choosing Bethany. We hit some walls and had to wait on some classes and meetings and it took about 11 months to get approved, instead of the average 6 months. We loved our adoption specialist though and were super excited. We were anticipating a 6-12 month wait. Well the next month our adoption specialist retired and we were super sad. In September we were finally reassigned when they hired a new A.S.. We were apprehensive but thought we'd be super happy. Well it didn't take but a few months to realize we weren't and we were not getting updates at all. Our frustration built over time, but we would catch these glimpses of hope and chose to re-sign another year. Well, this past summer was extremely hard on us. We got a call in May about a possibility of a baby in Christmas but it would be a long wait and you never know what will happen. Then we got another call Father's Day weekend. This time it was a six week old baby and they were fairly sure we would have a baby in a week or two. Jimmy called the lawyer on Monday and got the information and I called a friend and got a car seat before she went on vacation just in case. We called again a week later and then never heard anything. Then August came and the weekend before school started we got yet another call. This time the mom was choosing adoption but had not told anyone and called DHS. We were called, gave the go ahead, and our contact told her about us. The problem was she wanted a closed adoption, and DHS had been called. This complicated everything. We did what we could, were ready to fly in a moment, and said lots of prayers. Suffice it to say that balls were dropped by our agency and the caseworker at the hospital and by the time we were able to get into contact with DHS they had placed the baby. I have never hurt so badly in my life and this almost did us in. However we decided to hang in there for a while. Fast forward a few months. God began really getting a hold of my heart and some chips on my shoulder. I began seeing selfishness and feeling the need to do more for the children already here and waiting. This led to an email to my friend from college Kate to find out if there was a way we could help kids at her new job at a children's home. When she emailed back, she said she hasn't started and wasn't really sure and would get back to me, but had we considered fostering. I responded that we had but with me working and the fact that we were not sure if we could handle a child being removed from our home. Not to mention that we were not sure if there was enough of an age gap for us to parent a teenager. Anyway, the talking about this and the thinking of foster care led me to the Heart Galleries. I searched through and wound up looking at Project Zero the Arkansas Heart Gallery. And as friends say, "we know what happens when you look at Arkansas" (this was where we found the three kids the first time we looked in foster care. For whatever reason it seems every time I look at Arkansas my heart gets attached). We ended up finding a child through the state of Georgia, but we were never contacted back and found out about some medical concerns we were originally not aware of. But during this time, we began searching heart galleries and I found Project Zero's Facebook page. I read posts and saw facts and watched links for their version of Wednesday's Child and my heart began really being pulled. I mean I always felt my heart strings tug for older children especially those who are getting close to aging out of the system, but like most people we heard the stories and were scared. Well, PZ posted a video of a 16 year old named David. As we watched this video, heard David's story, saw how much he hoped for a family while not thinking there was a chance, then saw the miraculous story of him being adopted we began to realize that it didn't matter. Age doesn't matter, it's not about having a baby to raise to be like us. It's about a child who needs a home when we have love to give. Maybe, just maybe, all those roadblocks we have hit were signs. Signs that maybe we chose the wrong path. Signs that maybe we weren't getting a baby because our child was already out there. Signs that maybe we are called to love a child that is harder to place for reasons beyond their control. So after lots of prayer and research we have made the decision to close out with Bethany and switch over to Southern Christian Services and adopt from Foster care. We have a really large age range of 0-15, and before you say it we have thought it out. I know it is a huge jump, but these kids need homes and love too. Their circumstances are not of their choosing and not deserved. I'd have trust issues if the people who are supposed to love and care for me didn't do so in appropriate ways. We can't ignore the facts, we can't ignore the calling. There are kids who need a home. We desperately want children and maybe it's a completely different way than we have ever expected but we are excited beyond belief. We are aiming more for 6-15 as younger children have not had Termination of Parental Rights yet and are as such a legal risk. That and as we have prayed we feel called to those children who are older and therefore generally termed harder to place because people want toddlers and babies. We want to give a home to those desperately hope for one, but yet feel that it is out of reach. Where does that leave us now? We have the paperwork and plan on filling it out over spring break. We will also be closing out with Bethany this week as well, because the new agency won't touch our paperwork until we have a letter stating we no longer have an open case. This is difficult even though we feel it is where God wants us. 4 years of hoping, praying, and longing for an infant and making a change as broad as this one is difficult. Though we have all intentions of going back to domestic adoption at a later time, it is hard not to feel some pulling at our hearts after this long of a time frame. Change is not always easy even when you know it's right. Add to that, we have to start from scratch. We have to redo all the paperwork and all the homestudy requirements. We will no longer be approved. We start everything over and there is no real telling how much time this will add to our wait as we get reapproved. There has been some dragging of feet because of this, but sometimes you have to follow God's call even when it's scary, seems a bit crazy, and has you overwhelmed beyond belief as it carries you out of your comfort zone. But sometimes, it's when you crawl out of that comfort zone and rely on Him that you realize your true calling and are blessed beyond belief. Please pray as this is not easy for us, but we know it is the right thing to do.