Worn

I am worn out, physically and mentally completely exhausted. We are currently at 7 months and 4 days of our "official" waiting, but something a lot of people don't seem to realize is though this is what the adoption agency considers as waiting, there is so much more to it. Here is a rough timeline of our story- May 2009 Started trying
                May 2010 Diagnosed with infertility
                July 2010 First met with specialist
                                  Really began researching and calling agencies
                July 2011 Met With RE
                July 2011 Filed first paperwork with Agency
                October 2011 First meeting at the Agency
                December 2011 Filed formal application
                January 2012 First meeting with adoption worker
                March 2012 2nd meeting with the adoption worker
                April 2012 Home visit
                June 2012 2nd training with agency
                                 Finally Approved!
                July 2012 Transracial adoption training
                                   Adoption worker retired
                September 2012 Met new adoption worker

We are approaching four years now and now that it is looming it's really taking toll on us. We have watched others get pregnant and have children two and three times. Seen those who get "suprises" while we are still waiting on "planned". Been given advice that is meant to be helpful that just hurts instead. Sometimes it's because people don't know our story, other times because people don't think, and not meaning this rude, but some is just a lack of education. Relaxing and not trying doesn't get you pregnant. We technically stopped "trying" almost 3 years ago when the infertility was diagnosed and we virtually gave up hope of a biological child. When I say trying I mean not using contraceptives.

The wait has become tedious. There is no peace, and patience when you want something this bad is so difficult. It is so hard to watch others, to be flooded with pictures and posts on facebook, see people complain about pregnancy or no sleep, when I'd literally give my right arm for it. And I'm right handed so that says a lot. It becomes hard to repeat over and over. We hear nothing from the agency for the most part. Well, no we hear nothing unless we call. And why I know they don't call everytime your profile is shown because they don't want to get your hopes up or hurt us from rejection hearing nothing is extremely hard. You don't know why you aren't being chosen, if you need to change profile books, or what is going on.

Don't get me wrong, it'll be worth it and you know that in everything there is a reason, but sometimes convincing your heart what your head knows is almost impossible. Someone said the other day that it's not our time and God knows our time. My response was that God and I aren't in agreement right now. And I don't mean that irreverantly, but that in my humanity I don't get it right now. It's not fair. It hurts. It's hard. I'm worn. I'm emotionally drained.

Not being ugly, but it's something you don't understand unless you have been there. And thank God for friends who get it. Friends that are there when I go and say I can't take it. I'm worn out. If I have to hear one more platitude...... If I have to hear one more person complain of their pregnancy...

Sometimes you feel like your prayers aren't getting past the ceiling. I have to remind myself that God's heart breaks when He watches us struggle, but just as one day I'll have to let my child hurt to learn sometimes I must to hurt to learn the lessons that are there for me.

I'm tagging the song that I titled this after. They wrote it about physical exhausted, but it's so much more. I feel dead inside. I feel empty. This week I have woken up tired every day. I am weak. I need to see redemption. It seems never ending at this point.

Oh and before I end, we did call the agency this week. Well Jimmy did. I called last time and ended up upset so he did it this time. We were told there are very few birth parents right now. And we know there are many waiting because we began with a large group. They understand the wait is long, or rather they say they do. You don't truly understand till you have begged and pleaded with God to end a seemingly endless wait for something that feels as if it should be a right that is seemingly easy to so many people. To give up hope, and yet try to cling to it at the same time. To endure the body racking sobs while you physically can feel your heart breaks.

I say none of this to offend those who offer platitudes or to even seem to be complaining. But to explain what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. To ask for prayers because the wait is tedious, because we are weak and human. In our humanity, we struggle and sometimes it's all I have to claim to the promise of Isaiah 40 "But those who wait upon the Lord sgakk renew their stregnth, They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint".

This week I need that renewal.

http://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM